How to be thoroughly English

St George, though a Roman and patron saint of many countries including Georgia, Bulgaria and Iraq, is seen by many an Englishman as the epitome of all things English. The English flag is called the cross of St George, after all.

So, to celebrate St George’s Day, we had the idea to provide a little Guide (a Brownie, if you will – haha) on how to be throughly English, for all of our international readers:

Do try if possible to slay a dragon – this is a sure fire way to be English, by following in the great footsteps of St George himself. For this, you will require one maiden (if she’s a princess, so much the better), one very large sword and the protective powers of the cross, naturally.

Drink tea and Pimm’s – one way is to start the day with English Breakfast, have some Pimm’s with luncheon, drink afternoon tea, then begin the evening with some more Pimm’s. (The thoroughly modern Englishman may also condescend to consume what is known as Turbo Pimm’s.)

Eat meat and two veg – in an ideal world, an Englishman would eat a roast dinner at morning, noon and night. However, this would endanger the existence of the equally important and thoroughly English fried breakfast and sandwiches. Treat these gastronomic marvels with the respect they deserve. 

Speak slowly and loudly in English to foreigners (even when their English is very good) – this is the hallmark of every Englishman abroad. Where once this behaviour may have been accompanied by a straw hat from Panama, it may now be exhibited in conjunction with a football shirt.

Finally, love the Queen – she’s the only one we’ve got and her stiff upper lip puts most modern Englishmen to shame. Without her, wouldn’t we just be a nation of sunburned beer swillers complaining about the rain?

And there you have it. 5 simple steps to being English. Enjoy responsibly.

(Image from the Great Hall at Mains

Disclaimer: The above has been fabricated for the purpose of jocular diversion in commemoration of St George’s Day and is not intended to bear any resemblance to reality, nor is the inactment of these steps guaranteed to procure the subject an Englishman’s passport


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